Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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