I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
