You think ghandi was good in the sack? cuz i sure do.
I'm not gay.
Soooo you want ghandi? is that what your telling me?
If ghandi gives good head...I'm in
Its fine.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Randomize
