my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
