Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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