He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
