I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
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