Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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