I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
