Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
