Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
