I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
