Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
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