I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
