the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
