sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
