my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Randomize
