I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Randomize
