It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Randomize
