i need an iv and a liver transplant
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Randomize
