My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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