Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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