Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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