That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
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