He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Randomize
