I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
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