btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
God, you're like boner-b-gone
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Randomize
