how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Randomize
