I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
