Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
