I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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