so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
My vagina just recognized that song.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
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