were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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