I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
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