I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Randomize
