I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
You need Xanax blowdarts
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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