i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
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