Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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