then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Randomize
