You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Randomize
