He asked to "fluff my boner.."
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
