You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
He passed out mid-signature
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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