So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Randomize
