ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
