Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
