Someone shit on the floor
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
