there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
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