Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Randomize
