On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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