Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
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