dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Randomize
