I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
I love how my cats smell like pot.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
