John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
