i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Randomize
