I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
