Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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