remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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