my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
ps... at the end of one of the videos you yell "let's do the eiffel tower again.. i'll be in the middle!" .. i almost died lolol
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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