mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
