No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
So vagazzling was a success
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
