I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
