I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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