I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize