Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
