Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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