It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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